


Acceptance

by agayprocella



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Hunter Exam arc, Introspection, a few leopika hints sprinkled in here and there, autistic kurapika is autistic, character exploration, this is literally just the fisrt few episodes from kurapikas pov im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22280911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agayprocella/pseuds/agayprocella
Summary: "There was even a part of him, though he would never admit it, that felt a sense of pride when he realized just how far he had come.Overall, the sheer happiness he felt in being able to observe so many new things and take in so much new information vastly outweighed any of the guilt and shame he felt at the moment. After all, he had promised Pairo he would have as much fun as possible and, though it wasn’t what concerned him most anymore, he wanted to keep his promise."The hunter exam arc as seen through Kurapika's eyes.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first time writing anything HxH related and I'm not quite sure of how I feel about it yet. English isn't my first language, so please go easy on me...

In all truthfulness, red had always been one of his least favorite colors. If he had to think about it, which he didn’t like doing, it would only remind him of highly unpleasant things.  
There had been a time when he didn’t immediately associate it with the unending whirlpool of violence that had brought so much death in his life, but even then, when the world was a little kinder, it signified things he would have preferred not to think about. 

Maybe it was a little selfish, if not detrimental, to hate a part of himself with such a passion, but, standing in the dimly lit bathroom of the ship, staring back at himself through the compact mirror in his hand, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of unsease at the sight of his own scarlet eyes. 

The feeling, although prevalent in the back of his mind, couldn’t possibly drown out the twisted excitement rising in his chest at the thought of finally being on his way to the hunter exam.  
Another, smaller part of him, though, was simply thrilled by being at sea. There was something about seeing the vast expanse of water stretching in all directions around him, the sight of the coast just a distant memory, that made him feel as if maybe the world had something left to offer.

If not for the huge storm raging outside, Kurapika would have gladly stood on the deck and taken in the scenery around him, breathed in the salty air and listened to the sound of waves crashing against the ship.  
Instead, he was stuck inside, trying to sleep despite the countless screams of terror coming from the people all around him, who would probably never even make it to the first phase of the hunter exam. 

There was, amongst the two other people seemingly unfazed by the furious rocking of the ship, a young boy, not older than thirteen, who had tried to strike up a casual conversation with him, much to no avail.  
Kurapika wasn’t the type of person who liked to share his own thoughts with the rest of the world, and, that particular day, too many emotions were stirring inside him for him to break through his own personal barriers and let himself speak. He was much more content observing his surroundings and taking in as much information as possible.

The other person still in one piece, a young nondescript man seemingly in his late twenties, sat by himself on the floor reading some uninteresting magazine and smiled to himself ever so slightly every once in a while.  
Kurapika didn’t like him. Especially not later, when, after being summoned by the ship’s captain and being asked the reason why they wanted to become hunters, the man had nonchalantly replied that he was simply after money.

In Kurapika’s experience, people who sought after material goods like that could not only be hard to deal with, but at times even extremely dangerous. He couldn’t help but think of how it was people’s greed that had wrought such chaos into his people’s lives.

Still, there was something about him that made Kurapika think he had a deeper, more complicated motive behind his interest in the profession. One that perhaps words couldn't convey properly, not yet at least.  
This, though, made no difference in Kurapika’s mind, he was fairly certain that the man was just going to be trouble, as proven by the fact that not a mere 10 minutes into their first proper introduction they had already gotten themselves into a physical altercation. If not for the sudden and somewhat frightening interruption caused by Gon, the young boy, jumping overboard to save a crew’s member from plummeting into the rough sea, their confrontation would have surely ended in violence, something that he secretly dreaded. 

That’s why, looking at the young boy, he eventually found himself smiling out of gratitude, and maybe out of nostalgia too. There was, in fact, something about Gon that seemed to remind him of his younger self, maybe his stubbornness or his naivety, or the way he looked at the world with untainted eyes and a wide smile on his face.  
Either way, when that part of his journey was finally over, he felt somewhat glad at the idea of being able to spend more time with the boy, just like he had always felt happy spending time with younger children back home. 

He swore to himself, and felt a little silly at that, that he would do whatever was possible in order to keep Gon away from the darker, unpleasant parts of a world that seemed to be entirely new to him.

***

For as long as he could remember, Kurapika held within himself a great desire to know as much as possible of the world around him.  
In his early years, this deep curiosity could be sated by exploring what he had always thought to be the whole world. It was only when he grew older that he realized how little he actually knew.  
When he finally found out just how vast the world really was, he was overcome with a sense of joy and an urge to set out into the unknown.

Now, years later, when he was alone in the outside world, he couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness looming over him.  
The more he saw, the more he felt as if he were betraying his people, disrespecting someone’s memory.

He tried to push the feeling into the back of his mind, as it was anything but helpful, and shifted his focus to other, more pleasant things.  
He liked the feeling of being out in the open, being able to see things he’d never even dreamed of experiencing firsthand.  
Despite the lurching feeling of bitterness he still felt towards Leorio, the young man who he almost had gotten in a fight with, for slandering the Kurta’s name and trifling with him one too many times, he enjoyed the little adventures the three of them had gotten themselves in. 

There was even a part of him, though he would never admit it, that felt a sense of pride when he realized just how far he had come.  
Overall, the sheer happiness he felt in being able to observe so many new things and take in so much new information vastly outweighed any of the guilt and shame he felt at the moment. After all, he had promised Pairo he would have as much fun as possible and, though it wasn’t what concerned him most anymore, he wanted to keep his promise.

***

It somehow didn’t come as a surprise to him that even the seemingly selfish and materialistic Leorio had a noble cause for wanting to become a hunter.

As they ran up the stairs in the underground tunnel, surrounded by people burning with the same exact desire as them, Kurapika couldn’t help but feel a weird sense of kinship with the young man.  
Perhaps it was irony, perhaps a sick joke played on him by the universe, but something in his mind clicked and he realized that, in the end, he was able to find what he promised himself he wouldn’t stop looking for. 

Leorio wanted to be a doctor, he wanted to help people, and he wanted to be able to do that without charging a single Jenny.  
A sense of relief came over Kurapika as soon as he heard that. There was something about being in the presence of someone who had decided to dedicate his life to helping others that was somewhat soothing and reassuring.  
He felt like maybe, if they had met in other circumstances where they weren’t necessarily competing against each other, they could have even become good friends.

He still didn’t know how to feel about the latest addition to their little group, Killua, who had waltzed right in with extreme nonchalance, immediately making small talk with Gon as if the hunter exam was nothing more than a visit at the local playground.  
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him, he was still a child after all, but something about him made Kurapika feel at unease. Perhaps it was the way he carried himself, like someone who had seen far more than he was comfortable with. 

Another presence that made him feel extremely uncomfortable was that of Hisoka, the magician, who he had seen ripping off the arms of one of the exam participants without batting an eyelid.  
The man had an awful aura to him. Just standing in the vicinity of him made Kurapika shudder with fear.  
Later on, when he and Leorio had been face to face with him, he felt something pulling at his insides, screaming that he should run away as fast as possible without looking back. If not for Leorio’s attempt to fight him, and Gon’s subsequent interruption, he would have gladly done so with little to no regrets to think back on. 

Anxiety stirred at the pit of his stomach as Gon guided him through the thick fog, following the trail left behind by Hisoka and Leorio. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving his acquaintance with such an unpleasant and terrifying person for any given period of time.  
When they were finally reunited, Leorio safe and unharmed, he couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief.  
Why he was so happy about this near stranger’s well being, he was not sure, but somehow being in his presence again made him feel somewhat less alone. 

***

Kurapika’s fear of spiders was more than rational, he knew that much. He felt no shame in being afraid of something so deeply rooted in his own personal trauma.  
Over the years, he had learned how to mask his fear and replace it with pure unbridled anger. That’s why, standing in front of the man displaying the counterfeit tattoo which branded someone as a member of the Phantom Troupe, he only froze for what felt like a few fleeting seconds before launching forward and knocking him out with one swift strike. 

He could feel his eyes burning red with hatred and disgust as he watched the convict twitch ever so slightly on the ground before finally going limp, and he almost didn't care at all, if not for the fact that there were a number of other people present to witness his outburst of anger.  
He could hear the others talking to him, and he even heard himself talk back to them, but his mind was far away in that moment, all the way back home.

He couldn’t bear the thought of someone wanting to be associated with the people who had slaughtered the Kurta and destroyed so many innocent lives. His thoughts kept drifting back and forth between the sight of the spider and what the last moments of his family must have been like.  
He suddenly felt a surge of guilt rising in his stomach and crawling up his throat. 

The world started spinning around him, its far corners tinted a dull red, and he felt himself sag down to the floor, completely deprived of all energy.  
How could he have thought this to be fun? The outside world was clearly as rotten as the elders had always made it out to be, he just happened to have found himself a little corner where things didn’t seem so bad and suddenly he had dropped all his guards like a damn fool.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he instinctively winced. Looking up, he found himself staring into Leorio’s brown eyes. The young man had a worried expression on his face, which made Kurapika feel almost sad. At that moment, he didn’t feel like he deserved anyone’s sympathy.  
Still, for some reason, Leorio’s presence was able to bring him back down to earth. Slowly, little by little, he felt his eyes turning back to normal, and his breathing becoming steadier. There was something about him that made Kurapika feel at ease.  
He thought, for a moment, that it could be something akin to friendship, and he smiled.

***

Zevil island was, in some way, much more similar to home than any of the other places the exam had been performing in. The whole area was encompassed in a thick forest that extended for as far as the eye could see.  
Navigating through the trees with no specific landmarks to go off of reminded him of when he would explore the woods surrounding the village when he was young.

After spending two full days wandering around in search of his target, Kurapika finally stumbled upon him playing a nasty trick on Leorio. He thought of what to do, and opted for concealing his presence and observing the scene from afar.  
Or, at least, that’s what he tried to do, because once he heard Tonpa’s taunt directed at the young man he couldn’t help but step out of his hiding spot and strike him down.  
He didn’t know why, but the thought of someone making a fool out of Leorio for their own personal gain made him feel extremely bitter.

When a few minutes later he found himself asking Leorio to team up, it almost didn’t even come as a surprise to him. He wasn’t sure of why he felt such a strong bond with the young man, but he felt like following what his gut was telling him was the best course of action, and so he did. 

As it turned out, Leorio was quite the chatter, even after being specifically told to quiet down he kept on blathering about this and that without seeming to care whether he got an answer from Kurapika or not, something he was quite grateful for, seeing as he felt anything but chatty that day.  
Either way, a part of him felt strangely at peace while listening to the young man talk, as if just hearing the words coming out of his mouth could make him feel calmer. 

Things seemed to be going fine, if not a little sluggish, when they finally encountered the worst possible scenario.  
Hisoka stood in front of them, a cold smile on his face.  
Kurapika felt a mix of anger and disgust washing over him as he listened to the magician talk, demanding for their tags. He wondered how one person could be so full of himself and inconsiderate towards others.  
At the same time, though, he also felt a special kind of fear taking over his mind as he and Leorio drew out their weapons, ready for a fight they would most likely lose.

The air was filled with tension as the three of them made a bargain, and he couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief when they got out of the exchange unscathed.  
Leorio, who up until only a few minutes prior had been talking with little to no restraint, had fallen silent, and Kurapika couldn’t possibly blame him.  
As they walked away from Hisoka, it was almost impossible not to sense the palpable bloodlust coming from the man.

For a moment, as they walked next to each other, he felt Leorio’s hand close around his and squeeze, almost as if he was afraid that if he didn’t make sure Kurapika was really there, he would surely vanish into thin air.  
Kurapika didn’t pull back. 

***

The fight left him with little to no energy and a roaring headache that threatened to split his skull in two.  
Hisoka was, for a lack of words, a despicable man. He hadn’t been looking forward to their fight for a number of reasons, but he didn’t expect things to go south the way they did, and so fast.  
I’ll tell you something interesting about the spiders. He had said.  
All kinds of negative emotions stirred inside Kurapika at the sole thought of having to deal with Hisoka after the exam was over. He had been looking forward to never seeing the man ever again.

What plagued him with the most doubt was not knowing what Hisoka’s connection to the spiders was. For all he knew, he could even be one of them.  
Just the thought of that filled him with a debilitating nausea and a sense of disorientation.

As he walked back to the side of the ring he felt as if he was moving and breathing through dense molasses, his hands still gripping his bokken swords.  
He got a couple concerned looks from Killua and Leorio, who even asked him what was said that had made him react like that, but he couldn’t possibly bear to answer them. All his energy was focused on keeping his composure in front of everyone.  
He felt something clawing away at his insides and he didn’t know how to make it stop, only that the sensation grew stronger as time passed. 

He heard Leorio’s voice, calm and gentle, but he couldn’t make out the words that he was saying, only that his tone was that of someone caring for a loved one, and that made Kurapika feel somehow even worse. He didn’t deserve such kindness. 

By the time he came back to his senses, three fights had already passed without him noticing a single thing.  
It was then, though, that something rather unnerving happened.  
Killua was about to fight Gittarackur when the man suddenly changed, for lack of a better word.  
Kurapika hadn’t liked or trusted the man before, and he surely wasn’t going to start now.  
He stood over Killua with a dull expression on his face, his arms limp at his sides and the pins that had been digging into his skin clutched in his hands.  
While looking into his cold, dark eyes, Kurapika felt as if he was in the presence of a terrible, devastating force that would stop at nothing in order to get what it wanted.

The man, whose name was Illumi, turned out to be Killua’s older brother. As Kurapika heard him talk down to Killua, he felt an overwhelming sense of anger taking over him.  
A puppet of darkness with no real desires or needs, that’s what Killua’s family thought of him. The thought of it made Kurapika sick to his stomach.

He felt Leorio tensing up beside him, ready to step in at any moment, and had to remind the young man with a somber look that it was impossible for either of them to do that without compromising Killua’s chance at becoming a hunter.  
Though, not even a couple minutes later, Illumi threatened to find Gon and kill him. It was then that Kurapika and Leorio simultaneously blocked his way.

Kurapika felt a great unease rising in the pit of hit stomach as he stood in front of the tall man, the world started spinning around him. He was still lightheaded and confused from what Hisoka had told him, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from defending his friend.

Suddenly, he was hit with the realization that, in the end, he had made friends with these people.  
Gon was his friend, as were Killua and Leorio.  
For some reason, the guilt threatened to swallow him whole now.  
He hadn’t come there to make friends, he hadn’t come there to enjoy the sights the world had to offer, and he hadn’t come there to have a good time.  
He was there to become a hunter, to find and retrieve the eyes of his fallen brethren, to bring his people the rest they weren’t given by the monsters who had killed them.

Though a little relieved when Killua called it quits, nothing could drown out the panic rising within Kurapika.  
He felt an unrelenting sense of shame washing over him in powerful waves, threatening to sweep him off his feet.  
He hoped for all of it to be over as soon as possible.

***

Kurapika had never been good with feelings. Not only had he trouble identifying them and understanding them, but he also struggled with controlling them properly.  
It had always been that way, ever since he was but a child throwing temper tantrums in the presence of his elders.  
In a sense, this lack of self-control, had been his and his people’s downfall. 

He didn’t understand what he was feeling when, after seeing Killua murder Bodoro in the blink of an eye, he and the other participants were left to witness him simply walking away as if nothing had happened.

Kurapika knew, no, he was sure of it, that Killua’s outburst was somehow connected to the encounter with his older brother.  
He had seen the way the way he behaved, heard the things that were said, felt the change in the air as soon as Killua had surrendered.  
The boy was definitely as much of a victim as the man that had been lying on the ground before them. 

He tried to explain this to the head of the hunter association while maintaining his composure, but ultimately failed and let his true feelings shine through.  
He and Leorio were both adamant that Killua shouldn’t have been disqualified, as it was Illumi’s fault the accident had happened in the first place.

A feeling he did understand and knew how to control, though, was the one he experienced when Gon, having just woken up and been briefed on what had happened, confronted Illumi in front of everyone and subsequently broke his arm. It was pure, unbridled euphoria.  
Seeing the confused expression on the man’s face made him want to burst out into laughter and never stop, but he suppressed the urge and kept his calm facade as Beans resumed his explanation.

If not for the matter at hand, he would have been completely thrilled to have finally gotten his hunter licence. He was ready to begin his mission, there was nothing stopping him.  
All he had to do now was listen to what Hisoka had to say. And although the thought was anything but pleasant, he decided to push back the oppressing feeling of danger in favor of his interest.  
In the end, all the man had to say was that they would meet again on September first in Yorknew city.

He was so busy thinking about what information Hisoka could possibly have that he almost didn’t hear Gon and Leorio talking to him about going to Kukuroo mountain to check on Killua.

A special kind of fear started creeping up on him as the three of them planned what to do next, planting its roots deep inside him and latching onto doubts he didn’t even know were there.  
He couldn’t possibly let himself get attached to these people, it wasn't what he was supposed to be doing. Not to mention that involving anyone in his mission was surely a way to get them in terrible danger.

He felt a sense of purpose, though, one he hadn’t felt before, one that didn’t have to do with the eyes or the Troupe. He felt like, maybe, if it really came down to it, he could have done anything to protect his friends.  
He wouldn’t let the world break them and crush them like he had let it do to Pairo.  
No, things would be different this time around.

He looked at Gon and Leorio, who were chatting excitedly about rescuing Killua, and felt a certain warmness expanding in his chest.  
For the first time in many years, he truly felt like he wasn’t alone.


End file.
